Innocence

Manifesting my sadism has many effects on me. Primarily I become utterly primal, but there is another sometime manifestation that I thought I'd share because it is probably not one that people who don't know me in the flesh would imagine.

Sometimes, my sadism provokes a very childlike response in me. Not an especially standard or pretty childlike response of course, but....

The childlike sadistic glee I am describing may sound counterintuitive, but it really is the best description I can give. I just feel totally realised, at home in the Universe and utterly rapturously, blissful. And this sometimes comes out as though I am some delirious, demented child with a knife in one hand and an ice cream in the other, carefree and laughing while covered in blood and chocolate and sprinkles.

When we were out a couple of weeks ago at the event where I was beating the living Hell out of N with a sjambok (I had gone well into Big Sadism by this point), I had floated off to my happy place and was high as a sadistic little kite, euphoric on chemicals, and the contended oneness of doing the thing I was made to do (Joan of Arc may have had a more noble cause I realise but the phrase just fits) ;) So what did I instinctively do in the moments between blows when I wasn't torturing and tormenting? I spun around elated in the sunshine twirling my sjambok in the sky like some brutal blissed out little ballerina. This response may sound odd but it comes entirely naturally to me.

I sometimes find myself laughing delighted and gasping and squealing and clapping, much like a little girl receiving the dolly she has been longing for, wrapped in pretty sparkly paper, at a surprise birthday tea - "Oh my dolly is bleeding! And howling! How pretty! And I can make it do it again! Wheeeeeeeee!"

My intoxicated, exuberant childlike side also shows when I am toying with what you might call my 'people-toys'. The other day I was lying in the middle of N & Ava and doing painful things to them simultaneously. I was also happily getting my 'dollies' to hurt each other because I enjoy that, tra la la, look at the pretty bodies writhing around in pain. Clap clap. One of them was getting me off while N hurt Ava & I tugged on a chain yanked tight around his balls. Eventually both of them loudly howled in unison and I instantaneously orgasmed incredibly hard. On regaining their breath their instant reaction was to laugh, and stroke me loving and indulgently, I think because there is such a purity of desire in my sadism. In it's own depraved inverted way it's almost innocent. It's pure uninhibited passion, taking, and enjoying.

I'm not childlike in the little girl way you often hear about on kink sites. There's no "I am sweet and gentle and helpless and demure", or "I'm being a naughty little girl" stuff, or anything contrived or even eroticized. I just have the total uninhibited, enchanted glee of a sadistic girl who has had too much sugar (ok, blood) and is seeing what happens if she chains her human Cindy doll up and puts pins in it.

(My favourite blade)

People who see this primally recognise it as entirely authentic when it happens, and sometimes it terrifies the living fuck out of them. Other people utterly love me for it though. It's very honest and pure. I ponder why it disturbs people so much sometimes, and I wonder if they see me on some level as a cautionary tale ~ "Be nice to little girls, or they might pick up knives and turn into primal bloodthirsty dancing dollies who rip off their Sunday dresses, gag you with them, and happily run round in their knickers, cutting away just to have lovely blood run over their ice cream sundae like strawberry sauce." It's an oddly comfortable image for me.


At the time though I don't care what anyone thinks. I am too busy blissfully taking exactly what I want and twirling joyfully around in the sunshine like a carefree, euphoric, bloodthirsty fairy with an enchanted blade which is way better than any silly old wand.

Wheeeeeeee!

 

My pack/ pride/ people.

Today I put Ava on a train, which will lead to her flying home to Canada. I'm going to miss her.

Things always feels very comfortable with Ava, she just naturally fits with us in a way that is just hers. It feels like she just lives here when she's here, then it's always a light shock for us all when she leaves again.

So now she's actually flying away to another continent, I feel a pang. The last visit was going to be the last one before she left, but then she came up with a plan to fit in one more visit before going, which was lovely. But for some reason I felt more of a pang saying goodbye this time.

She's hoping to come back and stay for a whole summer when she can, visas, permits and finances not withstanding. But that's a long time to not see someone who has started to accidentally, become one of the family. I have lots of people who are one of the family in all sorts of different ways, and like all of them she fits in her own specific way, with her own specific place. She also has a tight relationship with N which is probably as tight as her relationship with me, and I like that. There's no stress with her,  just an extra member of the pack (or maybe more pride than pack, as I'm very lion like).

So anyway, the Canadian hottie is flying away, and I'm going to miss more than her bootie, service, and lovely kisses.