'Tomorrow' / today.

As in the day that yesterday I said would hopefully be better.

It wasn't really.

In some ways it was, my pain levels were much more manageable for example which is not to be sneezed at. But in the middle of all the other significant shit rumbling on and generally making everything problematic, a new variable arrived just to make Life extra trying and heart wrenching.

I don't think N really comprehends this. He did however ask to book us a few days in Brighton for later in the year, which he now has. I'm not sure but this may be his way of trying to cheer me up? Assuming of course he has an idea that I'm not coasting along just fine, which is not to be assumed. But either way, he's booked Brighton which I'd mentioned, so that's nice. And he is more himself again which is one less thing to stress about.

But I'm sad, tired, stressed and I hurt. And now I'm going to bed.

'Miss Sparkles' has left the building - don't read if you're looking for rainbows.

Today has been a fucker of a day. There's been lots of stress, and my pain levels went nuts this afternoon. I took less painkillers as part of everything, and suffice to say this proved to be a big error. I really was just curled up in a heap.

I almost never lose my rag but being dicked around while I was in so much pain was not a good plan. 

At least fire is shiny.

I am now suitably drugged up and sitting at my netbook with earphones in listening to soothing music (I even just had Somewhere Over The Rainbow on, such is my desire to be soothed). More codeine will be downed soon. Then I plan to get under a blanket and watch The West Wing; my new boxset discovery, I’m up to about episode eleven and loving it; and then I plan to go to bed at the earliest viable opportunity.We had really good sex this morning which was definitely the highlight of my day.

Tomorrow will be better.

Hopefully.

Boys will be (with) boys.

Well I’ve felt like complete crap since finishing the steroids, which given my blood test results in not surprising. To be honest I still feel like crap, but there is a hint of improvement at last so let’s all celebrate that shall we? All else apart doing nothing much is profoundly dull.

One of the ways we can tell I am recovering is that a perverted itch that needs scratching has arisen. Namely I am very much in the mood for lounging around watching some men engage in sex and the down and dirty varieties of SM under my direction. Some things just never get tired, you know? I could quite fancy watching some nice muscular subordinate male being fucked senseless slightly against his will with some lovely roughness thrown in, that I wasn’t directing too, which indicates I am tired.

This has been my go-to wank material, and a primary sex thought for the last couple of days. I mentioned it to N today and he is strongly encouraging the latter. He was making helpful suggestions about what men I may like to see getting it on and howling (that aren’t him). He is claiming this is simply good service and trying to see I don’t overdo it while I am recovering.

You know, because saying 'slam his arse harder' and orgasming is so much work. 

Convictions.

Drama is something I avoid like the plague, along with cloak and dagger stuff. I prefer things clean, including confrontation, so (as many of you know) if I have an issue with someone that cannot be resolved with discretion, I generally deal with it in an upfront way. No sneaking around just a straightforward declaration of my stance. They are then free to reply to this in an equally upfront manner. I find this easier in real life than online, but I try to maintain the practise online as well.

If I am involved in is something I consider immoral, corrupt, or generally ‘wrong’ in its nature I will speak up, and probably remove myself from it’s realm. It’s usually pretty easy to spot these things from the outset and stay the Hell away, but if something were to dupe me, or change after I joined I am confident I’d do this - again, as many of you who have known me for a while can attest :D

There are currently a great many people with doubts about a particular little group on FL. Many do not like the way good people are being treated. Many dislike the drama. Many dislike the cloak and dagger nature of it’s proceedings. Many dislike the ever changing landscape. Many dislike the way the rules they signed up for have been altered beyond recognition. Some dislike the fact that plagiarism is encouraged (or at least was under one of the many previous sets of rules, I lost track ages ago). Many dislike much of the ethos…. Plenty of people are expressing discontent and discomfort quietly all over the places, often in some extremely strong terms, that I have frankly been surprised by (because to my mind if you feel that strongly why are you still there)?  But they are doing it quietly, probably because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, don’t want to make themselves a target.

While some are leaving, some others are making a point of ‘disassociating’ themselves from the spiteful goings on, corruption, and drama etc, and they are still there. Perhaps they fear social exclusion if they go, perhaps they don’t want to admit they made a mistake, who knows? I suspect many are putting their fingers in their ears and going ‘lalalalala, none of my business’ (a few people are actually writing statements such as ‘I am neutral! I am Switzerland!’ etc).

Well here’s a heads up. If someone treats people like shit, especially good people, people you care for, it’s a good bet that eventually they will do the same to you. And if not you they will do it to your friend over there, and that quiet person in the corner who makes a good target. And if you ignore other people getting messed with, then when it’s your turn you’ll probably find less sympathy than you’d hope. Isn't that obvious?

I admire very much the people who are questioning and defending people they feel have been treated unjustly, or admitting they made a mistake. I think that’s far better, far braver and far more decent behaviour than people who are just closing their eyes and hoping they are not next, or that whatever the shitstorm of the week is will pass. There will be another shitstorm, then another, then another – however public they are or aren’t, that’s simply the nature of the beast. No one has to treat people like shit, no one has to behave like an inconsistent egomaniac dictator, and no one systematically does these things accidentally.

I’m a predator, I admit that - what’s more I’m bloody good at it. If I wanted to pull people's strings behind the scenes and generally play headfucking mind games to bully and control I could do it with my eyes closed. I admit I have manipulated people in my real life in ways that would probably make many people's heads spin. And as such I can spot a power mad manipulator even through a monitor.  As stated earlier though that’s not my style for communications in general, because I think it's crappy to randomly treat everyone you meet that way. I prefer honest upfront communications.

That's one of the many reasons why I have chosen to not respond to many questions and memos, where people are quietly expressing discomfort. I don’t wish to be caught in such drama and intrigue, or be part of this process. People eventually have to work out their own beliefs and live with the consequences. That's Life.

But I would like to say bravo to those who are showing the courage of their convictions, who are speaking up for those being mistreated, and who are not going ‘Lalalalalala’ with their fingers in their ears. The O/p group remains a refuge for most of you. Sanctioning people being treated like shit, all be in via turning a blind eye, is a crappy thing to do, and most good people know that. I am glad the poorly treated have such people in their corner.

Soldiering on

Yes, I’m still alive.

My RA flared even with the steroids, though the steroids do seem to have made the effects of the flare more limited; especially for this time of year which is when I usually have my most debilitating episode; which is not to be sniffed at. But either way I am out of action at present. Ce la vie.

N is not well either. Us both being significantly unwell simultaneously is a new low for us. So far we are both just about hanging in there, and thankfully so far our very bad days are not coinciding. His medication has wrecked his stomach, and is having side effects which are frequently worse that the original problem.  I’m planning on kicking up a fuss if there is no resolution soon. I want my boy back damn it.

We are ok. No major crisis, but things are off simply because we are both so wrecked. The cause is self-evident but none the less neither of us care for it. N is craving my normal dominance, but frankly he’s not well enough for anything other than the fundamentals whatever he thinks. I am missing the service I usually receive but again, needs must. Still, I’m feeling tetchy, this isn’t how I like things.

I put a plan for when this sort of thing happened on FL a while ago, and I’m going to action some of the strategies written there. I’ve already done some. N being unwell has complicated things though, as naturally I hadn’t planned for that. Thankfully I have some additional assistance at present. I may also get S down to generally entertain me and lend a hand.

N’s birthday is coming up and I want to be ok for that if I can. I booked us a cheap trashy motel room afterwards, in the best traditions of sleaze. I often take him to a nice hotel for his birthday, but money is still tight, and to be honest we use nice hotel rooms much as we use sleazy trashy places. We fuck a lot, I hurt him a lot, we sit in bed eating lovely and improbable ‘away from home’ things, and we go out and run around. We do sleazy places moderately frequently (you’re shocked having thought we did dirty things at Claridges aren’t you?) and I don’t think N cares ether way to be honest. In fact he says he gets more room to crawl in the cheap places. I think it’s probably just me that likes the bathrooms and breakfasts at swankville.

Today has been a round of medical appointments. A consultant looked at my screwed up knee and cleverly decided it’s screwed up, I had blood tests etc. I am feeling a bit better today than the last couple of days, though that could be drugs. Tonight is big drug night so maybe that will help. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I’m dieting and shifting some of the weight I’ve put on at a pleasing rate. I’m currently losing about a pound a day so that’s something and I am hoping to be back to normal fairly soon. And despite being unwell I’m making some inroads into my various plans for new year – on the ones that can be done from the comfort of home anyway.