Mistress' Little Helpers.

I’ve been pretty (read: very) unwell for the last three years. Longer really, but it must be about three years ago that the balance really tipped.

It’s had a huge impact on, well, everything really. Our relationship changed drastically and at one time I didn’t think we could survive it. But happily we did. It is still really hard sometimes, when I’m totally knocked off my feet and I can’t do anything. But as time has gone on we have started to learn to manage these times a bit better. It’s been a steep learning curve because neither of us were expecting to ever need such strategies or skills. N met a very active woman who was very capable, competent, large and in charge, not to mention seventeen years younger than him, so the idea that there might be times he would need to help me brush my hair, clean my teeth, stand, walk, eat,  do all sorts of very basic things, never really occurred to either of us. In hindsight I was naïve to not see it coming, as I’d been struggling on through intense pain and had bouts of debilitation that were incorrectly assumed to be injuries or more standard illness, but naivety or not, I didn’t see it coming any more than he did. It felt like it just crashed into our lives and wreaked havoc.

In terms of our power structure it has been the most trying challenge we have faced. When I get knocked out for a while, N by default ends up having to take charge of lots of day to day stuff. Were he of a submissive persuasion this may play out differently, but N is as dominant as they come so this is like giving a junkie a fix. He naturally but subconsciously starts to try to take control more widely, and it’s always when I’m at my weakest and is thus the last thing I need and feels like a betrayal. Doing all this also exhausts him as he has a business to run, an ill owner to try to take care of, a house to run, a family to care for, not to mention looking after himself. It’s been a huge trial for us both.

A wheelchair has been on the cards for me at times but I managed to avoid that, and via a combination of drugs, bloody mindedness and sports therapy I have improved immensely.

The amount of drugs I take is astronomic.  As I used to be someone who used medicinal herbal treatments and avoided scary things like paracetamol this is quite hilarious really.  I take a heavy cocktail of all kinds of stuff designed to stop my body staging a coup. The irony of the fact I can dominate almost anyone else’s body into submission but that my own rebels is not lost on me (my body is uber-dominant, heh).  

So there are the various daily drugs of various kinds, the steroids I take sometimes and have injected, and then the Big Drugs I take weekly. These have been causing hideous side effects in me ever since they started (they are chemotherapy drugs though very happily I don’t take them for cancer, but the side effects of the medication are similar whatever you take them for).  So for a long time now, the side effects of the Big Drugs have been so awful that it’s felt hard to see the wood for the trees, and the ill effects of the main problem were still there too…..

But suddenly, the last three weeks I have suddenly felt consistently better overall than I have at any point in the last three years. No big peaks, just a more general ok-ness. A while ago I was given additional pills to redress a significant imbalance being caused by the Big Drugs which was making me feel really bad, and my best guess is that this has finally tweaked the balance so the Big Drugs are working and not fucking me up.  Hurrah!

HURRAH!!

Keep everything crossed for me please. This time of year usually sees a sharp decline so I need this upturn to last. I’m also going to slow down a bit because I’m aching and stiff today but I think that’s just me over reaching and trying to do all the things I’ve been longing to do forever. I’m currently tidying and cleaning an reorganising the house like a woman possessed, and have made great progress so I’m going to slow down a bit. I’ve also had lots of days out, been swimming and cycling, painted, seen some friends, and done some of the other things I’ve been missing like crazy. The last few years have finally taught me some restraint though, and I don’t want to screw this up. 

Dear Universe,

Please help me out and make this last.

Many thanks,

Lots of love,

Me  xxx