Manners Maketh the Mistress.

Did someone sneakily put crazy powder on the keyboards of select FL users? Come on, fess up if it was you and we can all just get busy with the disinfectant wipes then get back to shagging and arguing about how true we are.

My inbox is frequently colourful over there to say the least, and we all know that some groups are Trainwreck Central, and that even the most calm group can brew the odd clusterfuck. But seriously, things are bonkers like conkers over there at present.

My inbox is so full of madness that I am missing people I want to talk to. What is it full with? People who are outraged that I use a few naughty words. People who are thoroughly excited that I use a few naughty words. People that are upset that someone disagreed with them about something someone said about what someone else said about naughty words three pages back.

So let us clear a few things up;

1.   I swear! Isn’t is shocking? Or thrilling, depending on your perspective it seems. I live in the year 2012. Despite being English I do not live at Downton Abbey, though I’m pretty sure that when Lord Grantham is giving Lady Grantham one he utters a few choice words (he looks the type, don't you think)? And don’t even get me started on what I bet that Mr Carson says when someone spills the afternoon Earl Grey and the pretty lace doilies need re-laundering. Anyway, I say naughty, bad, dirty words sometimes, and yet somehow I live to tell the tale. I assure you my relayed utterance barely makes it on the radar of some of my most choice phrases. Tra la la.

2.   I am not even remotely interested in hearing that this makes your cock stiff. (I'm so sorry, I mean 'Pray tell, the fact my utterances engorge your member is not of interest to this Lady, good fellow').

3.   My slave has many flaws alongside his many wonderful traits. He is very human and at the age of fifty six, having lived a colourful life (such coy phraseology! oh the irony!) it’s fair to say a bit of swearing doesn’t even beep on his radar. While I fail Mistress 101 by not calling him a worm or similar, I do say things like ’Sweetums,  fucking do as you are fucking told you fucking cunt or I will nail your fucking hands to my bloody desk to keep you sodding well still, while I set about kicking the living shit out of you before pissing down your fucking throat, you twat. Is that clear enough my most  beloved darling?’ if he pisses me off.  Sometimes this happens before breakfast (life before coffee is brutal I tell you). As I am not actually breaking into old ladies houses to shout stuff like this at them for my jollies I don’t feel especially bad about this. He’s a big boy, he’ll live. He even loves me, despite my shamelessly obscene mouth. Affection comes in many forms dear reader.

4.   Amazingly, I do not speak like this to children, old ladies or random members of society going peaceably about their daily lives. In fact I'm generally considered polite, and even sometimes charming.

5.   We are all snowflakes. That is the beauty of snowflakes. You’re a snowflake, I’m a snowflake, the man over the road is a snowflake, people I love are snowflakes, and people I don’t care for are snowflakes. We don’t all need to tell everyone we are snowflakes or tell other people they are snowflakes, it is pretty much a given. Now, shimmering fluttering snowflake that I am, I am just as subject to difficulties as the next person. Lord knows I am fucked up enough. Amazingly though, despite my apparent undiagnosed (horny-to-some) Tourette’s Syndrome, and litany of other things that are not perfect about me, I somehow have the amazing good fortune to have some of the finest people I have ever met love me. Hurrah! Seriously, HURRAH! Their approval matters to me. The approval of complete strangers online simply doesn't. So please desist from memoing me to tell me how I am a disgrace to the noble name of O/p because I say 'fuck' every now and then. It is boring and it means I am missing fabulous chatter from cool people. And I am exceptionally fond of fabulous chatter you see.

6.   The Vatican have probably already excommunicated me by now, and who can blame them? So feel free to tell anyone afraid that I will infect them with Unladylike Profanity Syndrome that they are free to avoid me, and no one will judge, least of all me. You should assure them I will not even call them bad names, because secretly I'm actually quite nice. Just don't tell anyone, or you'll simply ruin my rep.

Love and kisses, MT xxx

Idiocy, Projection, and Godwin's Law - or Why The Internet Is A Crazy Place.

I started a thread on FL a few days ago. The reason I started this thread went something like this;

“Poor Piece has started the last few threads while I’ve been battling all this Life shit, I should pull my weight and start a thread to help out.

Hmmm, what to write about though? I’m really tired and don’t have a lot of energy to dedicate to FL at present. Oh, I was pondering how radically differently the best way to address different people is the other day, that might work! How to word that though? If I just write “What is the communication style in your relationship when it’s an urgent matter?” then the vast majority of people will write fairly meaningless things like ‘We always communicate with honour, integrity and love at all times as they are the cornerstones of our relationship”. Ok, so what I want to look at is how different approaches are best for different people in different situations. I know, I’ll try to remember the gist of when I had to direct N in that very firm way the other day and type something akin to that. That will give them something tangible to work with. Now, should I type a contrasting equivalent for how I’d direct S (a more sensitive person) in a similar moment of crisis? Nah, they’re smart, they'll work it out….”

I start a vast number of threads there, and most of them I do for the benefit of the group, not my own. Sometimes it’s a bit of a drag to be honest – we don’t want the group to become the sort of clichéd inane group overrun wit threads like ‘Where do you sleep?/  Do slaves have birthdays/ How often do you wear your collar?’ and that requires people to extend themselves to make an effort to write about more diverse and personal things.

So, I started a thread. 'Ho hum, business as usual' I thought. The judgmental projection and outright fantasy that’s taken place regarding the thread in question in other groups, in my inbox, and to a lesser degree in the group itself is therefore really pretty bizarre in my opinion. I'd go as far as crazed actually.

I mean, surely, anyone who looks should be able to see I intentionally elected a strongly worded example, and would deduce that there would be a reason for this?

The thread also asked how respondents would feel, not for commentary on my relationship - a fact some people missed entirely though I suspect in some cases I suspect that was to get their swagger on.

You see, I stated repeatedly that the recipient of the paraphrased dialogue above found it to be pitched pretty well for him in that situation.  And therein lies my key point. I’d have thought it may be reasonably assumed that as we have a successful O/p relationship that is far from new, that perhaps I know how to best address specific issues to my specific slave in highly specific circumstances. But apparently not.

Now the irony of this kind of overreaction occurring on a board like FL is pretty strong. Remember this is a place where people often relay relationships where they are called things like ‘a worthless fucking cunt’ or ‘a stupid whore’, where members have usernames like ‘dumbcunt’ or whatever and no one bats an eyelid. Why? Well, I have always presumed because they understand that we all relate in different ways, tailored to suit our relationships.

People saying they would be upset is fine, good even. That’s what the thread asked after all. People making up imaginary backstories and accusing me of all kinds of stuff that simply is not there is obnoxious (as well as suggesting extremely lacklustre comprehension skills). Think I’m exaggerating? Here are a few on board highlights from a few hours from just one poster. Please note the wealth of imaginary details added to the situation:

That I ‘backhanded’ N and references to ‘slapping’
My actions show I ‘have no reasoning or social skills’
That it was ‘delivered in an angry and threatening tone’
That I ‘threw a tantrum and blamed N for my pissy ass mood, when he was not at fault’
I was ‘chest thumping and domineering’
I ‘kicked the shit out of N verbally for something that he didn't do in an intentionally angry and bullying fashion’.
• ‘There was no definitely no fault of N’s at work’ this was repeated so many times I lost count. Where does it say that though please?
• I am a ‘blowhard’, ‘arrogant asshole’ ‘dick’ and ‘childish’
• My favourite though was probably the likening of the incident to stabbing someone in the eye! Seriously: '"I warning you I am going to stab you in the eye if you blink at me", that person blinks and I stab them in the eye'.   (The best I can say is that it at least varies Godwin's Law and give it points for originality).

And remember that is just one single poster, who incidentally didn’t clarify any of his points or at any time even try speak to me directly, instead choosing to spam his fantasy elsewhere, maybe to boost his own ego or something. One poster who knows far better than the recipient or the speaker how to handle a very specific and pressured situation he had no knowledge of. Priceless. (Oh, and of course I am not a true Master. Snort).

FL wearies me.

'Feminazism'?

My FL feed informed me that there’s a newish group called something like ‘the Anti feminism league’ (and full of engaging and intellectual discourse they are too. Snort). But even though these particular individuals aren't really worth considering, this started a train of thought I'd like to consider here. 

One of the trends on FL I find mystifying is the increasingly pervasive idea that an involvement with kink (even if it is M/f and/ or TPE) should automatically render any association with feminism obsolete. Even in CNC relationships there is that initial consent, where one chooses who to give oneself to, or who to submit to, and if one has kids one chooses who to allow into their lives etc. As I see it, this initial choice is really important. It was a choice made of people’s free will, usually after receiving an education. And of course the majority of us being on FL probably indicates we are to some degree in a privileged environment. Lucky us with our computers and our choices I say. I for one would rather not give that up in a hurry.

But of course the majority of kinky people are not in CNC, and most people chanting anti feminist rhetoric are simultaneously chanting the mantra of SSC. I wonder though, where the ‘consensual’ part of SSC comes into their longing for a world without any place for the aims or achievements of feminism. 

Electing to live one’s life a certain way, is never the same as not having a choice, and it seems that this is frequently forgotten.

Lots of women in kink want the right to dress as they please without fear of violation. They want to post photos of themselves in nothing but nipple clamps and a smile not be judged or assaulted by all and sundry. Their men usually want the same thing for them. How is this desire opposed to feminism?

‘I love being raped!’ I hear women cry (one of my favourite examples was a woman who said ‘she liked to hang around dark car parks on her own hoping some man would rape her’ for the sexiness of it all). But wanting your own choice of man to shove his cock into you forcefully, with your consent (whatever form that may take, CNC included) does not mean you generically love a random spot of rape, even if you use the phrase for titillation. Unless we think the idea of our daughters, Mothers and any other men or women having a violent stranger, relative, or acquaintance forcibly violate them, then we are not skippety happy regarding the realities of rape. It’s that easy. You may like rough sex. You may have rape fantasies. You may have elected of your own free will (there it is again) to enter into CNC with all that that entails. But as an across the board matter I doubt most people would be just thrilled if for example the scary dude you cross the road to avoid raped your child or your sister or your Dad now would you?

You may like being beaten, but I bet you anything you like you wouldn’t want that to be at the hands of just any old person who decided they wanted to kick you about, free of even any thought of ramifications or a personal connection.  Choice counts.

Most people want to have a choice who they fuck/ engage in kink with/ marry/ reproduce with etc. If you disagree ask yourself how you would feel if the man you detest most in the world had the right to forcibly fuck you, take your money, marry you, lock you up, and beat you legitimately. Or do that your kids/ sister/ brother/ parents/ friends. Deciding to elect to use your right to submit to someone is not the same as having this enforced on all people across the board. This is the key point that I see forgotten on FL time and time again. The fact that someone is in an M/f relationship, or a CNC one doesn’t  mean they need to be opposed to many of the principles of feminism across the board.

Submission of the voluntarily variety (be that for a limited period or for all time) in no way automatically negates the core principles of feminism. Personally, if I woke up tomorrow, overwhelmed with a longing to become submissive I bloody well would be. Not in spite of being feminist but because of it. Feminism is about trying to attain equality of choice for people, and as such if someone elects of their own free will to submit I support their right to do so. In fact if someone attempted to take away my freedom to submit if the desire came upon me I would be very vocal about my thoughts on the matter (submissively and gracefully I'm sure. Heh). I want that right even if I don't choose to enact it. I want the right to choose how I relate to people, and I want everyone else to have that too.  And we need feminism as much as we need all kinds of social constructs to have that. Think where we would be otherwise;

Like sex? Whore! You should be stoned to death.

Forced to have sex ? Child rape victim? Whore! You should be stoned to death! 

Ever been sexual with someone of the same sex as yourself? See above. Or if you’re ‘lucky’ maybe a bit of " corrective rape " may be the answer.

Or perhaps you would really have loved your young self or your female children to be subject to some female genital mutilation 

If you are on FL you have access to technology and the internet. Would you prefer to never have that option? Would you prefer to not have been allowed access to basic education perhaps? Do you want the option to vote? Even if you choose not to vote, or to give your vote to your other to use, do you want to be denied that option by random strangers? Or how about the option to drive? Or the ability to work, earn money and decide where that goes (even if it goes to someone else you chose to be in charge of such things).

Then we have the rampant misunderstandings of feminism, assuming or claiming it’s all about female supremacy or the subjugation of men. This is glaringly incorrect. There is no place for the notion of any gender supremacy in feminism. Principles regarding equality do not allow for such things by default.

And all these points are one that I think need considering before trying to be cute and trotting out trite phrases about ‘feminazis’.  

As for the percentage of men who stride around FL loudly booming that they are against that bad, bad feminism I’d ask this. Let’s assume for the sake of demographic ease that you are a heterosexual dominant male and you have a female submissive mate. Do you want her to submit to random male authority out of fear, or just submit to yours? Do you want any dude who wants to fuck her to be able to do so without it being an issue? Would you want her stigmatised or mistreated for that?  Do you want her to not be able to earn money if necessary/ desired? Do you want any kids you may have to grow up in that world? Or for your woman to not have access to contraception/ give birth without health provision? I rather doubt that in most cases, because I refuse to believe that most men are not decent human beings.  I respect and like a great deal of men you see.

Moaning that essentially ‘girls are mean now’ is lame and the men who do that really need to up their game. Incidentally calling any random woman you don’t like a cunt doesn’t actually do that nor does attempting to patronise, or threatening violence (I have had so many rape threats on FL it is unhinged and at this stage dull). There are a great deal of really fantastic men on FL, and I don't find they elect to resort to such reductionist behaviour. They don't need to.

How we shape our relationship structures is a personal matter.  What I am in favour of is freedom of choice, for everyone, regardless of something as trite as what genitalia they may have. Obviously we are nowhere near this, but that’s the principle at work in feminism, and one I believe that as members of a sometimes stigmatised subculture we do ourselves a serious disservice by tritely castigating.  

Because if we start generically arguing against core personal freedoms, we ultimately shoot ourselves, and each other, in the foot.