The last 48 hours.

• N had a motorbike accident involving a large male deer running fast into the bike. It’s a miracle he’s alive really, there are loads of fatalities here for people in cars let alone being hit on a bike. He is basically ok, a few small injuries only. Astonishingly he managed to avoid actually coming off the bike, thank God. If he had come off I wouldn't fancy his chances.
• We had a small but distressingly fast-growing fire, which I was putting out at exactly the same time that N staggered home announcing his crash, so I was trying to deal with both these things at once with a young shrieking child in tow for that added touch of worry.
• The bike is badly smashed up in numerous places, obviously. It won't be covered on the insurance for lengthy reasons.
• N has had his ECG and the results of that thankfully seem fine at least. That is a great relief to me.
• The results of his bloodwork should be in tomorrow.
• He now needs to get his lungs checked.
• If anyone wants me I will be curled up in a ball in the corner hitting my head repeatedly on the wall. N cannot for the life of him understand why I may be stressed to fuck by the way - I'm going to need a fucking ECG at this rate.

Spring is back and so am I (well, nearly).

Spring is springing here, and with it my health appears to be returning. Oh the joy. Oh forest how I’ve missed you! Cities! Coffee shops! Shops! The river! Oh wide world how I’ve missed you! It feels like I am buried under a heap of rocks, and then I get to venture back Out There. Oh the joy, the joy.

Yesterday I got N to drive me over to Bury as I needed sandals. I basically wear boots, sandals and trainers at home and as it is warm enough for the boots to go away new sandals were needed. I got a pretty bronzey pair that are comfy enough to walk around in all day but still easy on the eye so I am pleased. Since my health went downhill the stylishness of my footwear has sadly gone with it much of the time.

The thing is though, when I have been out of action for months on end as soon as I get out properly there are loads of things I want to buy. So after the sandals I bought myself a polka dot dress and some leggings, a beautiful dress from Monsoon for the munchkin to wear to the upcoming wedding of one of my best friends, matching pretty things to go with it, hair colour for me, bake ware, teeny snack tubs because when I am very low carbing it’s easier to just chuck some snacks in a tub than try to find somewhere that sells what I can eat, Easter treats for people and goodness knows what else. We stopped for coffee and spent some time chatting. Then in the evening he drove us down to the river at a beautiful place near us and we strolled around happily. It’s nice having someone to do the gentle transitional things with.

The only O/p blog bringing you Bambi rather than bondage - you love me really.

This morning I went for a lovely walk in the forest where I live. And I’m sitting here now with the windows open with the sun coming in sipping iced cold brew coffee topped up with ginger beer (drink of the Gods).

Anyway, astute readers may have noticed the walking and very low carbing are back. Aside from my yet again squooshed fitness levels which need dragging back up again, I have, as always when I flare and end up not able to do anything, put loads of weight on. So, I’m VLC-ing and for now just trying to build up with walking again. It takes about a month of walking before I am back enough to exercise more properly but if I overpush it it’s counterproductive. This is a bit pesky as the above mentioned wedding is in three weeks and I would have liked to be a bit less fat for that, especially as I am now going to be more ‘visible’ than I had expected having been asked to make a speech and do things (I always seem to get asked to give speeches at weddings, I have no idea why).

What else? Well N has been going for tests. I am worried and going extremely easy on him at present. He doesn’t like the fact I am going easy on him, but that’s tough. There are bigger concerns than whether he’s overjoyed with the current status quo. I want a healthy living slave not a devoted dead one. He is going to have to put up with it.  

So anyway, I have very little that is scintillating to tell you. Enforcing a life that appears vanilla (well relatively) on the surface is probably one the most obscure things I have ever done. N is craving normality back, but for now I am forcing him to enjoy the sunshine and take it as easy as possible. I'm such a bitch. 

Why we *really* need to win the football.

You know I said the slave was not well? Well today began with me ringing for an emergency appointment then frogmarching him to the Doctor. You see left to his own devices, he suffers from 'Suffer And Worry Those Around You Constantly About One’s Health But Avoid Going To The Dr At All Costs Syndrome'. It’s a common English disease, especially amongst the male populous. I blame it on us not winning the World Cup since 1966, and can only conclude it's some subconscious attempt to prove their masculinity to redress the balance.    

Anyway, he staggered into the Dr this morning looking very unwell indeed, grey of pallor, breathless, and with what was obviously rather bad kidney pain. My parting words were that if they didn’t suggest one he was to ask for a diabetes test, and to get a flipping new inhaler.    

He emerged again a few minutes later with referrals for an ECG and a diabetes test (neither of which he had to ask for), and a prescription for a new inhaler (ditto). The Doctor said the region he had said pain in was indeed his kidneys and seemed rather concerned, not giving N the impression that he thought he was wasting his time at all (no shit Sherlock).

Anyway, he is at least now going to prodded and poked to find out what’s going on with him. I’m glad he is getting checked out at least.

Some people need to be flipping well owned. All that hysterical online worry about slaves having limbs amputated by power-mad owners particularly makes me laugh as I am fairly certain that if N were to accidentally sever a limb he would try to look stoic and causally say 'Oh it's nothing to worry about, I'll just take some lemsip then I'm bound to grow a new one' as he looked for a mop to clean up the arterial blood gushing on the oak flooring before it stained.

'Honestly, I'm fine Mistress. No problems here!'

Notes from the edge

Welcome to Depressive Monthly, your one source stop of whining and woe!

Consider the above a disclaimer and only read on if you are not looking for rainbows.

This is a synopsis of a few key points of the last few weeks;

• I went to the hospital where I discovered that my medication is showing some troublesome indicators in my bloodwork. This is almost definitely caused by the medication that they had to dance around the rules to give me in the first place, and the only thing that has ever made any serious impact on managing my condition. I am therefore obviously reluctant to come off it as they are to take me off it. But the bloodwork is raising questions. I am reduced to basically crossing my fingers.
• They also told me that they have now thrown every single thing they can at matters, and this is as good as it will get. Not what I wanted to hear, obviously.
• They are therefore referring me to another hospital to discuss things such as wheelchairs. I am resistant to say the least but have agreed to go to at least get information.
• I was signed off as unfit for work four weeks ago and have just been signed off for another four weeks. This is worrying me extremely in terms of my future even though it is not necessarily a permanent state of affairs.
• 

• Nigel started some medication a few months ago that he reacted very, very badly to. It seriously fucked him up and it’s not a stretch to say he lost it entirely. We (read I) therefore spent a Hellish few weeks trying to manage some quite horrifying outcomes. The Dr took him off the meds and as they leave his system he is returning day by day. He is very shaken by the whole thing though, as am I.
• As if that wasn’t enough for him poor N was run over while walking on a pavement (no serious injury but an issue none the less) and thus we have police officers in and out of the house.
• It transpires that I have significant bone erosion on my jaw bone. I have two old breaks on my jawbone, and I also had surgery on my jaw about three years ago. From what I can gather, the ‘joint’ at the break point and the normal joint are sort of joining up. This is obviously not desirable. Nigel to his credit has yet to make a blowjob joke but will eventually - it is inevitable.  My favourite jokes so far are"It hasn't eroded. It's simply reshaping itself so that you will one day be able to unhinge your jaw and swallow your prey whole" - "You know, if you want to bawl everyone out more efficiently you could just get a megaphone" - and "Well you don't chew blood babe". 

• There have been some very sad things happening that have nothing to do with N or I directly, but which have really deeply saddened me.
• Inspired by all of the above I have been pretty depressed, but am managing on as best as I can, ably assisted by my crack team of friends without whom I may have lost the plot entirely.

Anyway, that’s why I have not been a ray of sunshine lately and N has disappeared from the internet. We are however intact, together and trying to roll with the punches. 

Oh and somewhere in all this I turned thirty nine.

Soldiering on

Yes, I’m still alive.

My RA flared even with the steroids, though the steroids do seem to have made the effects of the flare more limited; especially for this time of year which is when I usually have my most debilitating episode; which is not to be sniffed at. But either way I am out of action at present. Ce la vie.

N is not well either. Us both being significantly unwell simultaneously is a new low for us. So far we are both just about hanging in there, and thankfully so far our very bad days are not coinciding. His medication has wrecked his stomach, and is having side effects which are frequently worse that the original problem.  I’m planning on kicking up a fuss if there is no resolution soon. I want my boy back damn it.

We are ok. No major crisis, but things are off simply because we are both so wrecked. The cause is self-evident but none the less neither of us care for it. N is craving my normal dominance, but frankly he’s not well enough for anything other than the fundamentals whatever he thinks. I am missing the service I usually receive but again, needs must. Still, I’m feeling tetchy, this isn’t how I like things.

I put a plan for when this sort of thing happened on FL a while ago, and I’m going to action some of the strategies written there. I’ve already done some. N being unwell has complicated things though, as naturally I hadn’t planned for that. Thankfully I have some additional assistance at present. I may also get S down to generally entertain me and lend a hand.

N’s birthday is coming up and I want to be ok for that if I can. I booked us a cheap trashy motel room afterwards, in the best traditions of sleaze. I often take him to a nice hotel for his birthday, but money is still tight, and to be honest we use nice hotel rooms much as we use sleazy trashy places. We fuck a lot, I hurt him a lot, we sit in bed eating lovely and improbable ‘away from home’ things, and we go out and run around. We do sleazy places moderately frequently (you’re shocked having thought we did dirty things at Claridges aren’t you?) and I don’t think N cares ether way to be honest. In fact he says he gets more room to crawl in the cheap places. I think it’s probably just me that likes the bathrooms and breakfasts at swankville.

Today has been a round of medical appointments. A consultant looked at my screwed up knee and cleverly decided it’s screwed up, I had blood tests etc. I am feeling a bit better today than the last couple of days, though that could be drugs. Tonight is big drug night so maybe that will help. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I’m dieting and shifting some of the weight I’ve put on at a pleasing rate. I’m currently losing about a pound a day so that’s something and I am hoping to be back to normal fairly soon. And despite being unwell I’m making some inroads into my various plans for new year – on the ones that can be done from the comfort of home anyway.

A moment of peace

I was about to reply to Vix’ comment on my last post, but decided to just blog quickly instead, as I’m sitting here in my dressing gown drinking a chai latte anyway.

Though still really unwell, N is showing intermittent signs of small improvements. He managed to vigorously fuck my brains out for ages yesterday (‘God that really hurt my stomach but it was worth it’), which was very pleasing. And this morning he has asked for a bike ride, though he admits he’s really not up to much, and as I suspect he’ll be back really quickly I have not even given him a limit like usual. I’m packing him off to the Dr when they reopen, I am guessing that his anti-inflammatories have stripped his stomach or similar. It's stomach pain rather than stomach ache.

This morning there is a soothing, pleasant lull in the house, the first spot of tranquillity for a few days. I have entirely lost track of people’s planned comings and goings, but I woke up to one less person this morning, though if I understand correctly they are back later, and someone else arrives this evening (?) I’m going to run out of bedding soon.

N & I managed to sneak off ‘for a little lie down’ yesterday for a while, which as well as the aforementioned festive fucking, resulted in me having a very lovely doze afterwards too. When I tottered out of the bedroom later I found everyone competitively playing with Hexbugs, which I sleepily joined in and promptly worked out how to train. Some things just come naturally to a chick like me ;)

Groan

Holy Mother of fuck I feel shit today. Last night was weekly big drug night and the day after that is always far from sparkling, the RA is surging as the steroids haven’t kicked in yet, and yet the steroids are making their presence felt in terms of side effects.  As such it is 16:00 and I have only just staggered out of the shower and am sitting here with wet hair in a dressing gown. Bleurgh.  

Weirdly though this really problematic burn on my stomach I’ve been battling with (this is such a sexy post isn’t it?) is suddenly healing. Huh. No idea why but yay for that at least. Maybe it heralds a swing in the right direction? 

(I cannot find my cellphone charger by the way; I have someone searching for me though; so if you are a real life person just reading to find where the hell I am, home phone, email or FB me please x )

On the up

Things are looking up again :)

N has decent painkillers which are allowing him to sleep and it’s making a very pleasing difference. My boy is back, hurrah! 

I have been running around making the house twinkly and christmasy which delights my camp sparkly self.

All gift shopping is complete. Repeat, all gift shopping is complete. I have a few things to ‘do’ gift wise, but we are within acceptable time still. I have however wrapped bugger all really.

My health has gone down quite sharply the last week or so, but it’s still objectively good considering the time of year, which I'm trying to focus on. I’m pleasingly non busy at present so I'm trying to buoy myself up that way. Steroids soon are inevitable I suspect, and they should help. 

S is coming to stay over Christmas and he too is perkier again. It's funny how both N & S are following the same patterns really. Though their syncing like this is sort of sweet in it's own way, I must add that it is most inconvenient for me ;)

Our anniversary was rather lovely (and thankyou everyone who sent well wishes, that was really awesome of you all). N very sweetly has not so much as asked to take off the bracelet I gave him since I put it on him. It was intended as a sort of collar substitute for when he can't wear his collar, and he is obviously very pleased with that as he wants to wear a collar more often than he gets to. And the bracelet doesn’t even tangle in my hair at night which is a near miracle.

Now N’s a bit more back to usual I’m hurting him again, which is really good. Repressing sadism is beyond fucking frustrating for me. This will sound ridiculous but it actually hurts. And yes, I know how ironic that is. Not hurting him is a great act of love sometimes. It's really nice to be back :)

'A moderately good play with a badly written third act'.

The last few weeks have been trying for about a hundred and one reasons, but I’m pleased to say things are now looking up :)  Not perfect, but much better; 

·         N’s pain in his knee and insomnia (resulting from the pain keeping him awake) plus various other things wildly exacerbated his traditional seasonal slump, and eventually I marched (well, limped) him to the Doctors. He’s back next week but he’s already much more like his normal self.

·         As I let up on him for a while when he was really not ok through necessity, he managed to interpret as some slight on his slavery (slave logic does not resemble any other logic). Bossing and belting him around again has him looking quite cheerful and comfortable again. I have some pretty and painful declarations of love planned for him after his next trip to the GP which I’m sure will make his heart sing. One must be pragmatic about marks etc. after all.

·         Speaking of cuts ;) I have cut his working hours quite a lot however as this seems sensible. He is pleased but concerned about this.

·         Meanwhile in our alternate timeline S is not in a good place either and I am very worried about him. So both my boys have been messed up lately , a state of affairs I am less than thrilled about. There is now a some extra support in place for him however.

·         My health is still holding out and we are well into December! Hurrah! I am gleeful. My body appears to be trying to flare but the clever drug cocktail is winning. I am back on a decent sized dose of a drug I usually avoid but so far no ill effects and good results. All hail drugs!

                          

·         Not being a fool however and being aware that Christmas is a-coming I am trying to get that well and truly sorted just to be on the safe side. This is going well. Pretty much all gifts, cards, and non perishable food are purchased, and the To Do list regarding this is getting shorter. Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaaaaahhhh.

·         I am planning a course for January and am busying away with sorting that out.

·         Finances are tight, largely as we have had a lot of unexpected large expenses lately.

·         The traditional Winter damp which we have thrown a fucking fortune at since buying this house is back. I’m so glad for the epic amounts of money, time and effort we have spent on this little hobby. 

·         And speaking of water let us not forget the boiler demanding financial attention. There is an aquatic theme emerging actually. Perhaps I should buy a boat next.

·         Actually, ~ invisible secret telling ink~ I am planning on finally learning to drive in the new year. Now, I’ll admit this probably sounds less exciting than a boat but it’s a big move for me. I have to have a couple of medical bits verified, sort some minor mods, and renew my driving license then I plan to give it a go.  I’ve even chosen where I’m going to go.

So anyway, that’s a not very thrilling overview of what’s been going on.

Blessings.

Being British I don’t do Thanksgiving, and I suppose if I did it would be the Canadian variety. However I have quite a few American friends here so none the less it creeps into my life. Leaving aside the problematic historical issues regarding Thanksgiving, ever Pollyannaish me thought it might be nice to focus on the ‘giving thanks’ part and join in from Blighty.

So, seven things I am thankful for (I don't know why some people do seven by the way. Is it regional? Or is there a significance? I must find out).

• My wonderful offspring who I love and adore with every last part of my being.  The best thing I have ever done.
• My wonderful friends without whom my life would be an entirely different landscape.  I am truly blessed to have each and every one of them.  I really am exceptionally lucky in this area, and every time I need them there they are. Love them all.
• My health stabilising and all that this entails. Psssst, we are approaching the end of November and though there's a few difficulties so far still no major flare. I am quietly  thrilled.
• My creativity starting to make reappearance (see above). I was starting to think it had gone forever, but no. It’s peaking out again. I am gleeful.

• Being privileged enough to have access to the internet and to know such lovely people as a result.  This includes the ones I have got to know in real life and the ones who remain a virtual presence.  You’re a very cool addition to my world. How else would I learn about hand turkeys, lip tattoos, TV recommendations, avicas, and generally get such enjoyably random chatter?

• A house to live in, food to eat and drinks to drink. a lock on my (one) door to keep the world out, books on my shelves, snugly quilts on my bed, pretty gardens, warm clothes, a summer house, hot showers in the morning, presents for people all over my house, luxuries, lovely sparkliness and wooden mushrooms and stuff that makes me smile when I look at it, music, days out, living by the forest, tea…. Oh what the heck, I’m mentioning the tea twice. 

Ok, yes, I added the  'sparkly household nick naks' part just as an excuse to put this picture up

• ….. and N. Magically cleaned boots, adventures, love, poached eggs, hot sex, cuddles ….  Oh just see here  before I ruin my allegedly dastardly rep ;)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all have a lot to be grateful for, just like me.

Life is hard, and so are we.

A lot of life is pretty crap here at the moment.

N is ill,  in lots of pain, tired and volatile. I am stressed to fuck (for all sorts of quite significant reasons) and staggering on as best I can, periodically finding myself freezing and just wanting to stop the world for a while. I’m not sleeping with a vengeance; this is major insomnia even by my standards; so of course I’m becoming increasingly exhausted which isn’t helping. When the alarm goes in the mornings every day I consider just opting out of the day. Can I fuck everything and just stay in bed? Just today? Just for an hour. I can I can I can…. I can’t. Bugger.

N and I have both used our emergency-emergency-emergency energy reserves, in different ways. We are crawling through the days and things feel endless. It's cold. We have had loads of big unexpected expenses at a time when finances are majorly overstretched. And I’ve slashed N’s working hours for the sake of his health which is of course perfect timing.

N is going to the Dr next week. I meanwhile am thinking of radical action. So the ‘plan’ such as it is, is to basically stagger on and hope the strategies we are implementing will work in time.

Other news? Well I have put on lots of weight (medication and problematic eating – I either can’t eat at all or I am eating carbs. Marvellous).

But I have really nice new purple hair, and currently have a 'fuck it all' Turkish Delight cocktail, while N is listening to music and winding down, so things are not all bad :D

Onwards.

Mistress' Little Helpers.

I’ve been pretty (read: very) unwell for the last three years. Longer really, but it must be about three years ago that the balance really tipped.

It’s had a huge impact on, well, everything really. Our relationship changed drastically and at one time I didn’t think we could survive it. But happily we did. It is still really hard sometimes, when I’m totally knocked off my feet and I can’t do anything. But as time has gone on we have started to learn to manage these times a bit better. It’s been a steep learning curve because neither of us were expecting to ever need such strategies or skills. N met a very active woman who was very capable, competent, large and in charge, not to mention seventeen years younger than him, so the idea that there might be times he would need to help me brush my hair, clean my teeth, stand, walk, eat,  do all sorts of very basic things, never really occurred to either of us. In hindsight I was naïve to not see it coming, as I’d been struggling on through intense pain and had bouts of debilitation that were incorrectly assumed to be injuries or more standard illness, but naivety or not, I didn’t see it coming any more than he did. It felt like it just crashed into our lives and wreaked havoc.

In terms of our power structure it has been the most trying challenge we have faced. When I get knocked out for a while, N by default ends up having to take charge of lots of day to day stuff. Were he of a submissive persuasion this may play out differently, but N is as dominant as they come so this is like giving a junkie a fix. He naturally but subconsciously starts to try to take control more widely, and it’s always when I’m at my weakest and is thus the last thing I need and feels like a betrayal. Doing all this also exhausts him as he has a business to run, an ill owner to try to take care of, a house to run, a family to care for, not to mention looking after himself. It’s been a huge trial for us both.

A wheelchair has been on the cards for me at times but I managed to avoid that, and via a combination of drugs, bloody mindedness and sports therapy I have improved immensely.

The amount of drugs I take is astronomic.  As I used to be someone who used medicinal herbal treatments and avoided scary things like paracetamol this is quite hilarious really.  I take a heavy cocktail of all kinds of stuff designed to stop my body staging a coup. The irony of the fact I can dominate almost anyone else’s body into submission but that my own rebels is not lost on me (my body is uber-dominant, heh).  

So there are the various daily drugs of various kinds, the steroids I take sometimes and have injected, and then the Big Drugs I take weekly. These have been causing hideous side effects in me ever since they started (they are chemotherapy drugs though very happily I don’t take them for cancer, but the side effects of the medication are similar whatever you take them for).  So for a long time now, the side effects of the Big Drugs have been so awful that it’s felt hard to see the wood for the trees, and the ill effects of the main problem were still there too…..

But suddenly, the last three weeks I have suddenly felt consistently better overall than I have at any point in the last three years. No big peaks, just a more general ok-ness. A while ago I was given additional pills to redress a significant imbalance being caused by the Big Drugs which was making me feel really bad, and my best guess is that this has finally tweaked the balance so the Big Drugs are working and not fucking me up.  Hurrah!

HURRAH!!

Keep everything crossed for me please. This time of year usually sees a sharp decline so I need this upturn to last. I’m also going to slow down a bit because I’m aching and stiff today but I think that’s just me over reaching and trying to do all the things I’ve been longing to do forever. I’m currently tidying and cleaning an reorganising the house like a woman possessed, and have made great progress so I’m going to slow down a bit. I’ve also had lots of days out, been swimming and cycling, painted, seen some friends, and done some of the other things I’ve been missing like crazy. The last few years have finally taught me some restraint though, and I don’t want to screw this up. 

Dear Universe,

Please help me out and make this last.

Many thanks,

Lots of love,

Me  xxx