'Tomorrow' / today.

As in the day that yesterday I said would hopefully be better.

It wasn't really.

In some ways it was, my pain levels were much more manageable for example which is not to be sneezed at. But in the middle of all the other significant shit rumbling on and generally making everything problematic, a new variable arrived just to make Life extra trying and heart wrenching.

I don't think N really comprehends this. He did however ask to book us a few days in Brighton for later in the year, which he now has. I'm not sure but this may be his way of trying to cheer me up? Assuming of course he has an idea that I'm not coasting along just fine, which is not to be assumed. But either way, he's booked Brighton which I'd mentioned, so that's nice. And he is more himself again which is one less thing to stress about.

But I'm sad, tired, stressed and I hurt. And now I'm going to bed.

'Miss Sparkles' has left the building - don't read if you're looking for rainbows.

Today has been a fucker of a day. There's been lots of stress, and my pain levels went nuts this afternoon. I took less painkillers as part of everything, and suffice to say this proved to be a big error. I really was just curled up in a heap.

I almost never lose my rag but being dicked around while I was in so much pain was not a good plan. 

At least fire is shiny.

I am now suitably drugged up and sitting at my netbook with earphones in listening to soothing music (I even just had Somewhere Over The Rainbow on, such is my desire to be soothed). More codeine will be downed soon. Then I plan to get under a blanket and watch The West Wing; my new boxset discovery, I’m up to about episode eleven and loving it; and then I plan to go to bed at the earliest viable opportunity.We had really good sex this morning which was definitely the highlight of my day.

Tomorrow will be better.

Hopefully.

Soldiering on

Yes, I’m still alive.

My RA flared even with the steroids, though the steroids do seem to have made the effects of the flare more limited; especially for this time of year which is when I usually have my most debilitating episode; which is not to be sniffed at. But either way I am out of action at present. Ce la vie.

N is not well either. Us both being significantly unwell simultaneously is a new low for us. So far we are both just about hanging in there, and thankfully so far our very bad days are not coinciding. His medication has wrecked his stomach, and is having side effects which are frequently worse that the original problem.  I’m planning on kicking up a fuss if there is no resolution soon. I want my boy back damn it.

We are ok. No major crisis, but things are off simply because we are both so wrecked. The cause is self-evident but none the less neither of us care for it. N is craving my normal dominance, but frankly he’s not well enough for anything other than the fundamentals whatever he thinks. I am missing the service I usually receive but again, needs must. Still, I’m feeling tetchy, this isn’t how I like things.

I put a plan for when this sort of thing happened on FL a while ago, and I’m going to action some of the strategies written there. I’ve already done some. N being unwell has complicated things though, as naturally I hadn’t planned for that. Thankfully I have some additional assistance at present. I may also get S down to generally entertain me and lend a hand.

N’s birthday is coming up and I want to be ok for that if I can. I booked us a cheap trashy motel room afterwards, in the best traditions of sleaze. I often take him to a nice hotel for his birthday, but money is still tight, and to be honest we use nice hotel rooms much as we use sleazy trashy places. We fuck a lot, I hurt him a lot, we sit in bed eating lovely and improbable ‘away from home’ things, and we go out and run around. We do sleazy places moderately frequently (you’re shocked having thought we did dirty things at Claridges aren’t you?) and I don’t think N cares ether way to be honest. In fact he says he gets more room to crawl in the cheap places. I think it’s probably just me that likes the bathrooms and breakfasts at swankville.

Today has been a round of medical appointments. A consultant looked at my screwed up knee and cleverly decided it’s screwed up, I had blood tests etc. I am feeling a bit better today than the last couple of days, though that could be drugs. Tonight is big drug night so maybe that will help. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I’m dieting and shifting some of the weight I’ve put on at a pleasing rate. I’m currently losing about a pound a day so that’s something and I am hoping to be back to normal fairly soon. And despite being unwell I’m making some inroads into my various plans for new year – on the ones that can be done from the comfort of home anyway.

The lull before the new cycle begins.

The last week has been lovely but mad. For the first time since before Christmas things are settling back down which feels nice. I’m looking forward to a days peaceful hiatus before the new year.

I’ve spent lovely time with people I adore. I’ve systematically fed people until they are ready to explode. I have drunk christmasy things like amaretto and Irish cream, but predictably reverted to my true love gin, which aside from being my lifelong preference, definitely seems to go best with steroids (I'm working on producing the definitive word on steroid cocktails). I have got dolled up and danced. I have lounged around in a ridiculous plastic tiara that arrived courtesy of a friend (glamour - I have it). I have spent lots of time laughing and reminiscing and generally having people who love me telling ridiculous stories - ’do you remember in about 1996 when you…?’ (old friends come with such perils don’t they)? N & I have dedicated some serious time to shagging and yet again I am made aware that other people see our sex life as one long romp – we are commonly perceived as hopping off for a marathon bunk up at every opportunity. It’s only when other people reference it that I realise this with a start.

And in amongst all this the first hints of The Annual Planning Summit have commenced. The Summit is a source  joy as it means that we plan to do some cool stuff, but also of trepidation as we have to stretch ourselves and will be held accountable for various failures (mine for example includes ’why the fuck can’t you drive yet?’) which it has to be said is a good question. It also has strong ripples that affect other people. For example, N knows that the decisions made as a result will impact on him and result in various requirements, some of which will inevitably have far reaching consequences.  Wheeeeeeeee!

Anyway, a core group of us band together in various ways, offering support, a boot to the backside and generally helping each other out in reaching our aims, both individual and collectively. The last couple of years has seen me way below par but we are deciding that 2012 will herald my return to business. I can hardly wait, but am also scared as fuck as I’m out of practise at lots of stuff now, and suffering a significant crisis of confidence - definitive proof if any were needed that it's time to jump.

I should add that jumping, kicking and generally launching into my endeavours is my default approach to Life.....

Official undertakings will begin over the next week, but I am already decided that immediate moves will include;

• Dropping the excessive amount of weight I’ve gained from the steroids and Christmas cake as soon as I finish this cycle - ’Hello beautiful, you’re all round, are you junked up darling’? (My friends are so kind and subtle. But seriously, every day the Christmas photos show me looking more and more puffy. It's very sexy I'm sure).
• Getting a new course up and running.
• Learning to drive.  I have the funds thanks largely to other people's generosity (Did I mention that I love them?) I have the license. I now need to get the paperwork regarding my neck in order (for which I have made an appointment next week), then bite the bullet and plan time, book courses and tests - God help me, this freaks me the fuck out for a lot of reasons. I have managed to get to 38 without learning for a good many reasons which I am now about to kick.

Speaking of kicking, I will issue N with his new annual requirements over the next week too. Things are about to be shaken up. Game on :D

Just typing that makes me happy ;)

My butterfly is too shiny.

Today was a very early start and a Cambridge day. The interesting bit is that I went to a  Vermeer exhibition  at the Fitzwilliam museum and got to see The Lacemaker and The Music Lesson which was very cool. Other highlights for me included The Reader by Eglon van der Neer, and A Woman at a Window by Jacobus Vrel which I have a secret love for ("Oh screw the housework, it's sunny out there and there are much more interesting things going on. Also yes, I'm fat so if you don't want to look at my arse feel free to avert your eyes irrelevant viewer"). Ok, it's just possible that I am projecting a little ;)

'Kiss it'.

As they couldn’t find anyone else at that moment, I also got roped briefly into waffling on about a painting (The dead Christ supported by the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene, by Bassetti in case anyone is randomly curious). This basically involved me saying things like 'Slate is very dark, and look this one’s not broken. How super!' I’m a  fucking genius I tell you. Amusingly I was asked to take my butterfly hairband off as I suspect butterflies don’t look learned (though they sweetly pretended it was because it was too shiny for camera). Snort. This amused me immensely.   

What else? Aside from practical stuff there was Christmas shopping, including a rather entertaining present for N which I am sniggering about as I type (I think I am hilarious with this and I nearly laughed like a loon in the shop when I saw it. Oh bad puns, how I love thee), more art supplies for a big present I’m making up, and books. Also purple leather gloves for myself from N as miraculously I found a pair that fitted my decidedly non-dainty hands. I sent him a text to tell him he'd bought me a lovely present and naturally as a good slave he was thrilled I'm quite sure.

Coffee, Welsh cakes, nattering, and some generally pleasant Cambridge time.  The festive season is definitely upon us in terms of the shops, it was carols on the speakers and mulled wine scent in the air systems of big shops, which is one of the many reasons I try to avoid them like the plague. I also detected that first whiff of frenzy in the air, lots of Very Middle Class women buying things like shawls with artsy recycled glass beads on, and darling china tea cups in special satin lined gift boxes etc.

Then home on the train and a trudge through the rain in the dark to find a slave waiting with tea for me. Is there anything nicer than coming in tired and cold to find someone dutifully waiting with lovingly pre-prepared tea? I realise most people see O/p as being one long round of chains and debauchery but as far as I am concerned tea is a major component. In fact next time someone puts one of those threads up in the O/p group asking 'what the cornerstone of O/p is' I think I shall reply that here at least, it is tea.

Tonight is my weekly big drugs night so I shall try to fit as much as possible in before I take it. But first dinner. And then, shockingly, some more tea.

Mistress' Little Helpers.

I’ve been pretty (read: very) unwell for the last three years. Longer really, but it must be about three years ago that the balance really tipped.

It’s had a huge impact on, well, everything really. Our relationship changed drastically and at one time I didn’t think we could survive it. But happily we did. It is still really hard sometimes, when I’m totally knocked off my feet and I can’t do anything. But as time has gone on we have started to learn to manage these times a bit better. It’s been a steep learning curve because neither of us were expecting to ever need such strategies or skills. N met a very active woman who was very capable, competent, large and in charge, not to mention seventeen years younger than him, so the idea that there might be times he would need to help me brush my hair, clean my teeth, stand, walk, eat,  do all sorts of very basic things, never really occurred to either of us. In hindsight I was naïve to not see it coming, as I’d been struggling on through intense pain and had bouts of debilitation that were incorrectly assumed to be injuries or more standard illness, but naivety or not, I didn’t see it coming any more than he did. It felt like it just crashed into our lives and wreaked havoc.

In terms of our power structure it has been the most trying challenge we have faced. When I get knocked out for a while, N by default ends up having to take charge of lots of day to day stuff. Were he of a submissive persuasion this may play out differently, but N is as dominant as they come so this is like giving a junkie a fix. He naturally but subconsciously starts to try to take control more widely, and it’s always when I’m at my weakest and is thus the last thing I need and feels like a betrayal. Doing all this also exhausts him as he has a business to run, an ill owner to try to take care of, a house to run, a family to care for, not to mention looking after himself. It’s been a huge trial for us both.

A wheelchair has been on the cards for me at times but I managed to avoid that, and via a combination of drugs, bloody mindedness and sports therapy I have improved immensely.

The amount of drugs I take is astronomic.  As I used to be someone who used medicinal herbal treatments and avoided scary things like paracetamol this is quite hilarious really.  I take a heavy cocktail of all kinds of stuff designed to stop my body staging a coup. The irony of the fact I can dominate almost anyone else’s body into submission but that my own rebels is not lost on me (my body is uber-dominant, heh).  

So there are the various daily drugs of various kinds, the steroids I take sometimes and have injected, and then the Big Drugs I take weekly. These have been causing hideous side effects in me ever since they started (they are chemotherapy drugs though very happily I don’t take them for cancer, but the side effects of the medication are similar whatever you take them for).  So for a long time now, the side effects of the Big Drugs have been so awful that it’s felt hard to see the wood for the trees, and the ill effects of the main problem were still there too…..

But suddenly, the last three weeks I have suddenly felt consistently better overall than I have at any point in the last three years. No big peaks, just a more general ok-ness. A while ago I was given additional pills to redress a significant imbalance being caused by the Big Drugs which was making me feel really bad, and my best guess is that this has finally tweaked the balance so the Big Drugs are working and not fucking me up.  Hurrah!

HURRAH!!

Keep everything crossed for me please. This time of year usually sees a sharp decline so I need this upturn to last. I’m also going to slow down a bit because I’m aching and stiff today but I think that’s just me over reaching and trying to do all the things I’ve been longing to do forever. I’m currently tidying and cleaning an reorganising the house like a woman possessed, and have made great progress so I’m going to slow down a bit. I’ve also had lots of days out, been swimming and cycling, painted, seen some friends, and done some of the other things I’ve been missing like crazy. The last few years have finally taught me some restraint though, and I don’t want to screw this up. 

Dear Universe,

Please help me out and make this last.

Many thanks,

Lots of love,

Me  xxx