Life is hard, and so are we.

A lot of life is pretty crap here at the moment.

N is ill,  in lots of pain, tired and volatile. I am stressed to fuck (for all sorts of quite significant reasons) and staggering on as best I can, periodically finding myself freezing and just wanting to stop the world for a while. I’m not sleeping with a vengeance; this is major insomnia even by my standards; so of course I’m becoming increasingly exhausted which isn’t helping. When the alarm goes in the mornings every day I consider just opting out of the day. Can I fuck everything and just stay in bed? Just today? Just for an hour. I can I can I can…. I can’t. Bugger.

N and I have both used our emergency-emergency-emergency energy reserves, in different ways. We are crawling through the days and things feel endless. It's cold. We have had loads of big unexpected expenses at a time when finances are majorly overstretched. And I’ve slashed N’s working hours for the sake of his health which is of course perfect timing.

N is going to the Dr next week. I meanwhile am thinking of radical action. So the ‘plan’ such as it is, is to basically stagger on and hope the strategies we are implementing will work in time.

Other news? Well I have put on lots of weight (medication and problematic eating – I either can’t eat at all or I am eating carbs. Marvellous).

But I have really nice new purple hair, and currently have a 'fuck it all' Turkish Delight cocktail, while N is listening to music and winding down, so things are not all bad :D

Onwards.

'Feminazism'?

My FL feed informed me that there’s a newish group called something like ‘the Anti feminism league’ (and full of engaging and intellectual discourse they are too. Snort). But even though these particular individuals aren't really worth considering, this started a train of thought I'd like to consider here. 

One of the trends on FL I find mystifying is the increasingly pervasive idea that an involvement with kink (even if it is M/f and/ or TPE) should automatically render any association with feminism obsolete. Even in CNC relationships there is that initial consent, where one chooses who to give oneself to, or who to submit to, and if one has kids one chooses who to allow into their lives etc. As I see it, this initial choice is really important. It was a choice made of people’s free will, usually after receiving an education. And of course the majority of us being on FL probably indicates we are to some degree in a privileged environment. Lucky us with our computers and our choices I say. I for one would rather not give that up in a hurry.

But of course the majority of kinky people are not in CNC, and most people chanting anti feminist rhetoric are simultaneously chanting the mantra of SSC. I wonder though, where the ‘consensual’ part of SSC comes into their longing for a world without any place for the aims or achievements of feminism. 

Electing to live one’s life a certain way, is never the same as not having a choice, and it seems that this is frequently forgotten.

Lots of women in kink want the right to dress as they please without fear of violation. They want to post photos of themselves in nothing but nipple clamps and a smile not be judged or assaulted by all and sundry. Their men usually want the same thing for them. How is this desire opposed to feminism?

‘I love being raped!’ I hear women cry (one of my favourite examples was a woman who said ‘she liked to hang around dark car parks on her own hoping some man would rape her’ for the sexiness of it all). But wanting your own choice of man to shove his cock into you forcefully, with your consent (whatever form that may take, CNC included) does not mean you generically love a random spot of rape, even if you use the phrase for titillation. Unless we think the idea of our daughters, Mothers and any other men or women having a violent stranger, relative, or acquaintance forcibly violate them, then we are not skippety happy regarding the realities of rape. It’s that easy. You may like rough sex. You may have rape fantasies. You may have elected of your own free will (there it is again) to enter into CNC with all that that entails. But as an across the board matter I doubt most people would be just thrilled if for example the scary dude you cross the road to avoid raped your child or your sister or your Dad now would you?

You may like being beaten, but I bet you anything you like you wouldn’t want that to be at the hands of just any old person who decided they wanted to kick you about, free of even any thought of ramifications or a personal connection.  Choice counts.

Most people want to have a choice who they fuck/ engage in kink with/ marry/ reproduce with etc. If you disagree ask yourself how you would feel if the man you detest most in the world had the right to forcibly fuck you, take your money, marry you, lock you up, and beat you legitimately. Or do that your kids/ sister/ brother/ parents/ friends. Deciding to elect to use your right to submit to someone is not the same as having this enforced on all people across the board. This is the key point that I see forgotten on FL time and time again. The fact that someone is in an M/f relationship, or a CNC one doesn’t  mean they need to be opposed to many of the principles of feminism across the board.

Submission of the voluntarily variety (be that for a limited period or for all time) in no way automatically negates the core principles of feminism. Personally, if I woke up tomorrow, overwhelmed with a longing to become submissive I bloody well would be. Not in spite of being feminist but because of it. Feminism is about trying to attain equality of choice for people, and as such if someone elects of their own free will to submit I support their right to do so. In fact if someone attempted to take away my freedom to submit if the desire came upon me I would be very vocal about my thoughts on the matter (submissively and gracefully I'm sure. Heh). I want that right even if I don't choose to enact it. I want the right to choose how I relate to people, and I want everyone else to have that too.  And we need feminism as much as we need all kinds of social constructs to have that. Think where we would be otherwise;

Like sex? Whore! You should be stoned to death.

Forced to have sex ? Child rape victim? Whore! You should be stoned to death! 

Ever been sexual with someone of the same sex as yourself? See above. Or if you’re ‘lucky’ maybe a bit of " corrective rape " may be the answer.

Or perhaps you would really have loved your young self or your female children to be subject to some female genital mutilation 

If you are on FL you have access to technology and the internet. Would you prefer to never have that option? Would you prefer to not have been allowed access to basic education perhaps? Do you want the option to vote? Even if you choose not to vote, or to give your vote to your other to use, do you want to be denied that option by random strangers? Or how about the option to drive? Or the ability to work, earn money and decide where that goes (even if it goes to someone else you chose to be in charge of such things).

Then we have the rampant misunderstandings of feminism, assuming or claiming it’s all about female supremacy or the subjugation of men. This is glaringly incorrect. There is no place for the notion of any gender supremacy in feminism. Principles regarding equality do not allow for such things by default.

And all these points are one that I think need considering before trying to be cute and trotting out trite phrases about ‘feminazis’.  

As for the percentage of men who stride around FL loudly booming that they are against that bad, bad feminism I’d ask this. Let’s assume for the sake of demographic ease that you are a heterosexual dominant male and you have a female submissive mate. Do you want her to submit to random male authority out of fear, or just submit to yours? Do you want any dude who wants to fuck her to be able to do so without it being an issue? Would you want her stigmatised or mistreated for that?  Do you want her to not be able to earn money if necessary/ desired? Do you want any kids you may have to grow up in that world? Or for your woman to not have access to contraception/ give birth without health provision? I rather doubt that in most cases, because I refuse to believe that most men are not decent human beings.  I respect and like a great deal of men you see.

Moaning that essentially ‘girls are mean now’ is lame and the men who do that really need to up their game. Incidentally calling any random woman you don’t like a cunt doesn’t actually do that nor does attempting to patronise, or threatening violence (I have had so many rape threats on FL it is unhinged and at this stage dull). There are a great deal of really fantastic men on FL, and I don't find they elect to resort to such reductionist behaviour. They don't need to.

How we shape our relationship structures is a personal matter.  What I am in favour of is freedom of choice, for everyone, regardless of something as trite as what genitalia they may have. Obviously we are nowhere near this, but that’s the principle at work in feminism, and one I believe that as members of a sometimes stigmatised subculture we do ourselves a serious disservice by tritely castigating.  

Because if we start generically arguing against core personal freedoms, we ultimately shoot ourselves, and each other, in the foot.

Mindfulness - Part Two

Let us meditate, friends.

Mindfulness and slavery.

There are often posts on FL and other boards I've been on about spirituality and slavery.  These can be quite divisive, I think this is because people can become entrenched in some dogma or another, and then become defensive about it. I think this is a pity as I think the area is actually pretty interesting. I also think that there are areas of commonality amongst some people who experience slavery as spiritual, regardless of any ‘path’ they may be on, and there’s one in particular I thought I'd mention as I don't see it verbalised a lot.

I think that by default, the act of slavery moves many slaves to a state of mindfulness. I don’t want to go into a huge discussion of this, but maybe just have a cursory think about it here.

While a slave may worry about the future, to thrive as a slave they often have to ultimately surrender themselves to the core truth that the bigger picture direction their future takes belongs to their owner, and sometimes by default, this can force a slave to embrace living in the present moment.   

Similarly, being made aware of things as privilege can force a state of gratitude. Rather than taking things for granted, without considering or appreciating them, I think that having one’s mindset moved to a place of acknowledgement and gratitude can; in some people; alter perception of the very act of ‘having’ and thus being.

Perhaps the slave is made to perform tasks or jobs they would not have elected to of their own accord and thus decide that to thrive they have to find positives and joys in the situation. Because really, for a psychologically together person, how long can you go on whining about how hard done by you are, especially in a situation you chose?

Perhaps I’m biased regarding this as in crude ways mindfulness is very much part of who I am.  Every now and then I’ll make a bit of an effort regarding this, but a lot of it just comes naturally and I usually just refer to this as my ‘Pollyanna’-esque nature. Lest I accidentally fool any of you into erroneously thinking I’m some kind of enlightened, spiritually evolved being (snigger, don't worry, I doubt any of you are that silly) I should add that I think in my case this is one of those perks of having had a less that salubrious start in life – to a degree everything looks quiet bright and shiny after if you decide not to waste your time being a miserable ungrateful fucker.  

Here, I’ve found that when N embraces mindfulness (though he doesn’t think of it in those terms) he is ok. Content, calm, settled and at seamless ease with his world. He's pleasant to be around, and pleasant for himself to live in. It’s when he flips the other way, which he does radically and aggressively, that he is both unhappy in himself and unpleasant to be around.

I don’t know how widespread this phenomena is, but mindfulness seems to be a notable trait amongst a significant proportion of the slaves I know in successful, happy, long term relationships so it seemed worth considering.

'How long have you been into BDSM?'

When I venture to public access BDSM events, I get asked things like ‘how long have I been kinky?’ ‘How long have I been ‘into’ BDSM?’ ‘When did I start ‘doing’ kinky shit?’ I always look at the people who ask these questions with a sort of blank stare. What are we calling ‘kinky’ for these purposes? How ‘into’ BDSM does one have to be to ‘into’ it? And what kind of ‘it’ are we talking about?

The simple answer is that as long as I’ve been sentient I seem to have had the kink component. I distinctly remembering having hardcore sadistic fantasies; even by my current standards; aged no more than five, though I didn’t see them as sexual then. My erotic fantasies have always been SM and/ or D/s  related.  Interestingly, in my formative years I was rarely the giver of sadism, I was watching others engaged in agonising, dastardly deeds, or occasionally receiving it, but never intentionally being sadistic (I would imagine doing the hurting but never ‘enjoying’ it. Snort). I didn’t want to be a sadist you see. I didn’t like people who hurt people. They were bad. And I didn’t want to be ‘bad’.

What really got my engine running was the energy between people though, and somehow I managed to justify that in my processing. The physical stuff in my fantasies was just the manifestation of that, it was the remorse, the tears, the begging, the screaming, the desire, the longing, the pain ending, the brave stoicism, the nobility that held it all together for me. That was what I wanted. The passion that goes with pain, to have them under my control, that was the key. The pain was largely just the tool (or so I told myself anyway). Typing this, I’ve just realised that in the same way that other girls think that they’ll love you if you suck really good cock, I thought I could get them to love me if I hurt them and protected them so only I hurt them, and took them to places they never even dreamed of. I simply couldn’t perceive of meaningful intimacy without control and pain in the mix.

Eroticism to me was, and is, all about domination and submission and pain…. but still I didn’t want to be a sadist. A lot of people don’t I realise, but I had my own very strong reasons in addition to this so it was a huge thing to me.  

When by the time I got round to having penetrative sex, I’d been a fucking Grand Poobah of SM and D/s (in crude, non defined forms) for years before then, it was in my blood.

I’m good at inspiring loyalty, it’s the magic card I was born with, and I ran with that. And it turned out that I was right! If I protected people, and hurt them, controlled them, and took them on magic carpet rides to a mixture of good places and bad, they gazed at me with big dark addicted eyes and did what I wanted. Tra la la. It was easy for me, it came entirely naturally. Looking back I enslaved people very very young, too young.

Sex, without power exchange just bored me, but I wanted to be ‘normal’, to not be fucked up, to not be bad and dangerous. Now I know I am fucked up, abnormal, can be dangerous if necessary, but not bad. Then, being ‘bad’ was a terror.  

I like cutting. And kicking. And choking. And fucking while people scream and cry. And biting right through flesh. And drinking blood, And beating, harsh and long. And humiliation and headfucks and other deliciously twisted sadistic things. Most of all though, I like power. I like control. And what do you know I’m very good at that?  But there wasn’t a space in my head for all that stuff marked ‘good’ (or ‘not bad’) so I struggled.

But I love power exchange so much more than the giving of pain, TPE in particular. I like to see people gulp down their pride when they don’t want to, but know they feel they have to for me. I like to see them submit. I like to run them. I like to see them extend themselves, way, way beyond where they are comfortable, just. for. me. And knowing how to do that has always been like breathing to me.

So how long have I been into BDSM? Always perhaps? Since I first made someone crawl for me? Since I ordered people to do what I wanted and they did? Since I hurt someone and made them gasp? Since I took charge of someones life? Since I broke someone and saw them look at me like I was a God? Since I made people afraid, because they wanted my approval more than they wanted not to get hurt? Since I changed people's erotic responses? Since I forced someone to orgasm then laughed at them for it and made them beg?

Power is what I fly on, much, much more than giving pain, which I know surprises many people. BDSM is largely what I’m made of.  I still sometimes wish I wasn’t a sadist, but I am what I am.

I'm a kinky bitch, and I'm ok with that.

What Matters To Me

These are the things that matter to me, in significant relationships. I’ve put them roughly in order, though it’s not entirely clear cut;

Loyalty.

What I want is loyalty first and foremost. Without that things mean almost nothing to me. Loyalty is a massive thing to me. 

Security.

To me this is not ‘safety’ which is something I do not believe in, and to be honest I do not understand why or how anyone does. (I realise this unsettles people, so I don’t mention it very much, but the very idea of ‘safety’ utterly confounds me. To me it’s like being told everyone else believes that rain is made of razorblades and drinking it kills you, so it's best to never drink - I understand that other people see it that way but I see quite the reverse). Nor is it the same as stability. I can cope with a tremendous amount of instability, but I don’t like certain factors, linked to the other things on my list; like loyalty, kindness, and respect; to not be certainties. They need to be secure.

Respect.

Respect is really important. I object to being treated like shit. Just because I can cope well with hostility or lack of consideration etc it doesn’t mean I feel I should with people who profess to care for me in some manner or another. Sometimes people think that as I can deal with an epic amount of shit, I will have no issue doing so in my personal relationships. Those people would be wrong. Being able to do something does not equal being willing to do it regardless of context.

Effort.

Effort matters to me. People may talk a good talk, or use props to see them through, but if they don’t put their money where their mouth is it just doesn’t mean anything to me really. It's easy to please when it's easy to please, but I see the 2% when real ball busting effort is needed as being the time that really counts.

Keeping their word, or trying their damnedest.

I don't like casually broken promises. They are disrespectful and tap negatively straight into my need for loyalty, respect, kindness, security, effort and listening. I hate people giving their word about something then forgetting it, or ignoring it, or writing it off later. I think it's crappy and disrespectful.

Listening.

Listening means just that. When I say something, I want anyone significant to listen to what I actually say, and respond to it. Not to respond to what they think I said, or what they wanted me to say, or to not say, or to try to try to get me to change what I say to suit them, or to brush it away because it doesn’t fit their view of the world. Listening goes a long way with me.  

Kindness.

I like kindness. It sort of overlaps with what I wrote in the respect section I suppose. I think it's important to be kind to people.

These are the things that matter to me. The things other people seem to insist I must want don’t appear. I don’t especially want gestures, gifts, sweet romance, cut-out-generic-erotic-submission, someone else's idea of 'service', money, hype, my arse kissing, promises for promises sake, or numerous other things it seems assumed must be my preference (because they are someone else's preference, or because other people are successfully fobbed off with them, or because it's assumed that these are What Female Dominants Desire) anywhere close to how much I want these things. 

I want what I want. The other stuff may be nice but it is not what matters to me.

Hitting him when he's down.

I haven’t been being anywhere near as sadistic with N as usual lately, for a lengthy list of reasons which I will probably cover in another post.

We are both viral at the moment, though he’s definitely worse than me. This has probably made him tetchy, but he managed to really irritate me this morning. As he also annoyed me the night before last this was not the brightest of moves. He compounded his error by not seeing why I would be pissed by his actions.

So, when the plumber had left today we staggered to bed for an hour or two of much needed restorative dozing. During a short conversation I looked at him and suddenly thought ’You know, if I set about him now, while he’s feeling so ill he’d really suffer’….. and lo, my base nature won out. He just looked so victim-like and helpless, which I never usually get from him so it was very tempting.

So, to paraphrase I put him on his stomach, stripped him and welted the Hell out of his arse with a very heavy hardwood paddle that he detests. His throat was too sore to even yelp with any affectivity, which was oddly pleasing and mock worthy. However hard I whacked him all I could hear were these tormented little raspy croaks and moans. That simply awakened the sadist in me and made me enjoy bruising his arse up even more.  He was crimson, very swollen and bruised by the time I’d finished, it was pleasant (for me).

Then of course a kindly soul would probably have let him sleep, but his cheeks looked so appealing that kindliness went out the window so I shoved him on his side (see how considerate and kind? I didn’t make him bend over, I let him lie comfortably on his side. Am I not saintly?) and basically shafted the living fuck out of his bruised little arse. It was so hot his cheeks were actively uncomfortable on my thighs to start with. This too was pleasing (for me).

I have never once seen him so pathetic and helpless.  Ill and shaky and devoid of energy, there was wonderful whimpering and some really satisfying snivelly type noises, and he still couldn’t make any serious noise because of his throat.  Every now and then he’d have a coughing fit which I quickly realised made his muscles contract so I soon got into a rhythm of shafting his arse really roughly every time he coughed. He looked a broken little heap of helpless loveliness.

I finished buggering him, many orgasms and somewhere between fifty and seventy minutes later, (I know this as my alarm went off at the wrong time as the clocks have gone back here and I hadn’t altered my phone so my alarm inconveniently went off at the wrong time) and laid there with him impaled deeply for another fifteen minutes.  He didn’t have the energy to do anything but lie there occasionally whimpering.  

I graciously told him I’d excuse him arse to mouth as I didn’t actually want him to suffocate – ‘then who would irritate me and make tea’? He gave a timid little croak that I took for gratitude. It could have been hatred but he was so wretched by this stage it was impossible to discern much without an effort.  He looked really rough.

Being rough with him while he is so ill was really enjoyable.  I think we can safely say my sadism remains intact despite less outing than usual.

Happy Halloween everyone.