'How long have you been into BDSM?'

When I venture to public access BDSM events, I get asked things like ‘how long have I been kinky?’ ‘How long have I been ‘into’ BDSM?’ ‘When did I start ‘doing’ kinky shit?’ I always look at the people who ask these questions with a sort of blank stare. What are we calling ‘kinky’ for these purposes? How ‘into’ BDSM does one have to be to ‘into’ it? And what kind of ‘it’ are we talking about?

The simple answer is that as long as I’ve been sentient I seem to have had the kink component. I distinctly remembering having hardcore sadistic fantasies; even by my current standards; aged no more than five, though I didn’t see them as sexual then. My erotic fantasies have always been SM and/ or D/s  related.  Interestingly, in my formative years I was rarely the giver of sadism, I was watching others engaged in agonising, dastardly deeds, or occasionally receiving it, but never intentionally being sadistic (I would imagine doing the hurting but never ‘enjoying’ it. Snort). I didn’t want to be a sadist you see. I didn’t like people who hurt people. They were bad. And I didn’t want to be ‘bad’.

What really got my engine running was the energy between people though, and somehow I managed to justify that in my processing. The physical stuff in my fantasies was just the manifestation of that, it was the remorse, the tears, the begging, the screaming, the desire, the longing, the pain ending, the brave stoicism, the nobility that held it all together for me. That was what I wanted. The passion that goes with pain, to have them under my control, that was the key. The pain was largely just the tool (or so I told myself anyway). Typing this, I’ve just realised that in the same way that other girls think that they’ll love you if you suck really good cock, I thought I could get them to love me if I hurt them and protected them so only I hurt them, and took them to places they never even dreamed of. I simply couldn’t perceive of meaningful intimacy without control and pain in the mix.

Eroticism to me was, and is, all about domination and submission and pain…. but still I didn’t want to be a sadist. A lot of people don’t I realise, but I had my own very strong reasons in addition to this so it was a huge thing to me.  

When by the time I got round to having penetrative sex, I’d been a fucking Grand Poobah of SM and D/s (in crude, non defined forms) for years before then, it was in my blood.

I’m good at inspiring loyalty, it’s the magic card I was born with, and I ran with that. And it turned out that I was right! If I protected people, and hurt them, controlled them, and took them on magic carpet rides to a mixture of good places and bad, they gazed at me with big dark addicted eyes and did what I wanted. Tra la la. It was easy for me, it came entirely naturally. Looking back I enslaved people very very young, too young.

Sex, without power exchange just bored me, but I wanted to be ‘normal’, to not be fucked up, to not be bad and dangerous. Now I know I am fucked up, abnormal, can be dangerous if necessary, but not bad. Then, being ‘bad’ was a terror.  

I like cutting. And kicking. And choking. And fucking while people scream and cry. And biting right through flesh. And drinking blood, And beating, harsh and long. And humiliation and headfucks and other deliciously twisted sadistic things. Most of all though, I like power. I like control. And what do you know I’m very good at that?  But there wasn’t a space in my head for all that stuff marked ‘good’ (or ‘not bad’) so I struggled.

But I love power exchange so much more than the giving of pain, TPE in particular. I like to see people gulp down their pride when they don’t want to, but know they feel they have to for me. I like to see them submit. I like to run them. I like to see them extend themselves, way, way beyond where they are comfortable, just. for. me. And knowing how to do that has always been like breathing to me.

So how long have I been into BDSM? Always perhaps? Since I first made someone crawl for me? Since I ordered people to do what I wanted and they did? Since I hurt someone and made them gasp? Since I took charge of someones life? Since I broke someone and saw them look at me like I was a God? Since I made people afraid, because they wanted my approval more than they wanted not to get hurt? Since I changed people's erotic responses? Since I forced someone to orgasm then laughed at them for it and made them beg?

Power is what I fly on, much, much more than giving pain, which I know surprises many people. BDSM is largely what I’m made of.  I still sometimes wish I wasn’t a sadist, but I am what I am.

I'm a kinky bitch, and I'm ok with that.